RickM

Two guys are sitting having breakfast at a coffee shop. One guy says, "Yesterday I really slipped up talking to my secretary. I meant to say, 'Please type this letter, Ms. Phipps', but instead I said, 'Please type this letter Ms. ****!' I was really embarrassed." The other guy grins and nods, and then says, "well, I did something similar last night. I'm sitting there having dinner with my wife, and I meant to say "My honey, this chili is nice and hot', but instead I said, 'You ugly bitch, you ruined my life!"<p>Rick
99.5 A4 1.8TQMS silver/onyx
97 A6Q Wagon black/taupe

ModifiedA4

LOL!

Mike D.

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel
manager
explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45AM, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door.
The
assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new
employee.
He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up. The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem.
Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the
line
is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos
and
a
big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.
The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several
minutes,
he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, "I'm sorry,
I
guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

PSS // Raj

<p>APR V.3,Remus,Eurosports,S4 17" Wheels
<a href="http://registry.audiworld.com/registry/details.asp?car=4776"> <img SRC="http://pictureposter.audiworld.com/Audiworldpics/2000/prashantsig2.jpg" Border=0> </a>

Mike D.

That's great! LOL

ImprezaGuy

After getting a new job in Florida a husband traveled down to the Sunshine State to set up house and get things ready for his wife. The night before she was to fly down and join him he decided to send her an email. Unfortunately, he mis-typed the email address and sent the email to an unsuspecting widow who had just buried her husband. The widow had come home from the gravesite and decided to check her email because she was expecting some mail from family members who had not been able to attend. After receiving the mis-sent email the poor widow went in to shock.

The email read as follows:

Dear Honey,
Everything is great and I am anxiously awaiting your arrival tomorrow. I must tell you, however, that it is very very hot down here and that you should be sure to dress appropriately. See you tomorrow!<p>'97 Audi A4 1.8T - Black on black
'00 Subaru Impreza 2.5RS - Blue on grey

Shaun

I man has been stranded on a island for 10 years. One day, off in the distance, he sees something moving in the water. As the object gets closer, he realizes that it's a person swimming towards the little island. He's so excited to be in contact with anyone, he can hardly contain himself. A while later, when the person reaches the shore, he realizes that it is a beautiful woman in a wetsuit. The woman approaches the man and introduces herself, asking the man how long he's been stranded there. "Ten years!", the man exclaims. "My god!" cries the woman. "How long has it beens since you've had a sip of whiskey?" "Ten years" says the man. So the woman unzips a pocket on her wetsuit and pulls out a flask of whiskey, hands it to the man, and he begins to drink it. As he drinks, the woman continues, "How long has it been since you've smoked a cigarette?" Again, the man replies, "ten years". Again, the woman unzips a pocket on her wetsuit and produces a pack of cigarettes and a lighter, handing them to the man. As the man lights a cigarette, he notices the woman starting to unzip the entire wetsuit. She then asks him, "How long has it been since you've played around?" The man replies, "Jesus, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there!!!"

GdA4ddy

LoL! "8^)

angustm

A man walks into a bar, notices a beautiful redhead at a table by herself, so he buys her a drink. She nods at him, writes a note on a cocktail napkin, and sends it back to him. The note says:

"Thanks for the drink. I'll only sleep with you if you have $1 million in the bank, drive a hot sports car, and have 7" in your pants."

He looks at the note and frowns, then takes another napkin and writes back to her. His note says:

"You're welcome. I have $10 million in the bank, and I drive a Ferrari. But I'm not cutting 2" off for you or anyone."

Bobby Kinstle

Marital Bliss

The other day, my beloved wife of many years turned to me during an otherwise suspiciously ordinary dinner and out of the blue asked why is it that MEN always stare at twenty- something gals and leave their wives for the latter at every opportunity. Recognizing a marital land-mine, I failed to skirt the issue by changing the subject. I promised to answer in writing:

20SGF -- 20-something girlfriend

BWOMY -- beloved wife of many years

** Subject: General Worship and Admiration

20SGF:
Hangs on to your every word as if you were channeling Buddha and Einstein in a single breath. Begins conversations with her girlfriends with "You know, my beloved says..."

BWOMY:
Remembers every screw-up and broken promise you've made since the mid-80's and brings it up at the weekly "My husband is dumber than your husband" sparring matches with her girlfriends. Begins conversations with "Just wait till you hear what MY husband said the other night..."


** Subject: Sex

20SGF:
Excellent. Imaginative. Wild. Passionate.

BWOMY:
Excellent. Imaginative. Wild. Passionate. You only wish she were there so you wouldn't have to be so alone.


** Subject: Do I look fat in this?

20SGF:
"Yum!"

BWOMY:
"No, not at all, darling. I love you and cherish you and will do so for the rest of my life."


** Subject: Her girlfriends

20SGF:
A gorgeous flock of young happy things who come over every Friday to hang out topless in your hot tub. You become known for your excellent foot massages.

BWOMY:
A scary crew of divorced, menopausal, dreary man-haters who hog the hot tub every Friday to complain about hot flashes. Sometimes you try to imagine them topless and fail.


** Subject: Her outfits

20SGF:
Likes wearing thongs. She makes you guess, by touch alone, what color they are.

BWOMY:
They are white, they are NOT thongs, and you only get to touch them when they've been demoted to dusters and it's your turn to dust the god-damned bric-a-brac.


** Subject: Travel

20SGF:
Her stuff fits in a backpack. Toothbrush, tanning oil, a bright yellow two-piece and a few fluff novels.

BWOMY:
She packs the backpack into a a 55-gallon pink designer suitcase with squeaky wheels. She brings a hair-dryer and warm socks to Hawaii and stuffs a jumbo case of ultra-Maxis into your carry-on.


** Subject: Home Repair

20SGF:
She can fix a leaking faucet and is looking forward to you teaching her to rewire the kitchen. She looks ravishing in a toolbelt.

BWOMY:
She can't believe that the faucet is still leaking and she's found that hammer you were looking for and she can't believe that you couldn't find the hammer and threw that fit yesterday, when the hammer was where it always is and why can't you simply organize your tools and keep track of them a little better and aren't you going to take care of that faucet today? It is still dripping... And the god-damned hammer's missing again.


** Subject: TV watching

20SGF:
She watches TV with you.

BWOMY:
She watches TV against you. The latter takes two forms:
a) Watching the "Hidden Flaws of Your Husband" day-time talk shows to better scrutinize your every move.
b) Insisting on describing the gory details of Marcy's varicose vein operation while Inspector Callahan is reloading.


** Subject: Cars

20SGF:
She runs the Miata out of gas and calls you at work to be her knight in shining armor. Your reward is so satisfying that you almost wish it would happen again.

BWOMY:
She calls you from a PTA field trip to the food recycling worm-farm. The Voyager threw a rod and is sitting at Harry's Garage and Bait Shop, and it takes two trips to bring her two girlfriends (see above) and the seven snotty kids back to civilization in your Toyota. They don't like your music. The smell of rotting vegetables follows you for weeks.


** Subject: Her Magazines

20SGF:
She buys Cosmo and actually experiments with the "10 Ways to Make Him Forget His Own Name". You forget your own name.

BWOMY:
She buys the Architectural Digest and gazes disapprovingly at your home improvement efforts.


** Subject: General Appearance

20SGF:
Firm breasts, sexy butt

BWOMY:
She's the mother of your children!<p>Bobby Kinstle
bkinstle@apple.com
<a href="http://registry.audiworld.com/audi/registry/details.asp?car=4334">Registry Entry</a>