Automotive tools redefined, their true function exposed at last
03-14-2001, 04:33 PM
#1
AudiWorld Senior Member
Thread Starter
Automotive tools redefined, their true function exposed at last
AIR COMPRESSOR
A machine that takes energy from a coal fired powerplant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to an impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 30 years ago by someone in Detroit and rounds them right off.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER
A handy device for transferring sulfuric acid from a battery to the inside of your toolbox after verifying that your battery is deader than a doornail, just like you thought.
BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR
A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is 10 times harder than any known drill.
DRILL PRESS
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so it smacks you in the chest and flings your soda across the room, splattering it all over that great old poster you have hanging over the bench grinder.
HACKSAW
One of a family of cutting tools based on the Ouija Board Principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more
you try to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
HAMMER
Originally used as a weapon of war, this device is now primarily used to locate expensive parts not far from the object we were trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE
Generally used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard boxes delivered by UPS, works particularly well on boxes containing convertible tops or upholstery.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER
Normally used for stabbing the lids of old style paper and tin oil cans, thereby splashing the contents on your favorite shirt. Can also be used to round off Phillips screw heads.
PLIERS
Used to round off bolt heads.
SCREWDRIVER
A devise used to open drink cans, can also serve as a chisel. Works well for removing the skin from the palm of your hand and making random gouges in
other things.
TIMING LIGHT
A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys.
TROUBLE LIGHT
The mechanic's own tanning booth. A good source of Vitamin D, the "sunshine vitamin," not normally found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main function is to consume 40 watt bulbs at the same rate as howitzer shells during the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, the name is misleading.
TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST
A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of all those ground straps, wire harnesses and control cables you forgot to disconnect.
VISE GRIPS
Used to round off bolt heads when pliers just won't do the trick. Can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
WIRE WHEEL
Cleans rust and corrosion off old bolts, them throws them somewhere under the work bench at the speed of light. Also good for removing fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses.
A machine that takes energy from a coal fired powerplant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to an impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 30 years ago by someone in Detroit and rounds them right off.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER
A handy device for transferring sulfuric acid from a battery to the inside of your toolbox after verifying that your battery is deader than a doornail, just like you thought.
BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR
A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is 10 times harder than any known drill.
DRILL PRESS
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so it smacks you in the chest and flings your soda across the room, splattering it all over that great old poster you have hanging over the bench grinder.
HACKSAW
One of a family of cutting tools based on the Ouija Board Principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more
you try to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
HAMMER
Originally used as a weapon of war, this device is now primarily used to locate expensive parts not far from the object we were trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE
Generally used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard boxes delivered by UPS, works particularly well on boxes containing convertible tops or upholstery.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER
Normally used for stabbing the lids of old style paper and tin oil cans, thereby splashing the contents on your favorite shirt. Can also be used to round off Phillips screw heads.
PLIERS
Used to round off bolt heads.
SCREWDRIVER
A devise used to open drink cans, can also serve as a chisel. Works well for removing the skin from the palm of your hand and making random gouges in
other things.
TIMING LIGHT
A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys.
TROUBLE LIGHT
The mechanic's own tanning booth. A good source of Vitamin D, the "sunshine vitamin," not normally found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main function is to consume 40 watt bulbs at the same rate as howitzer shells during the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, the name is misleading.
TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST
A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of all those ground straps, wire harnesses and control cables you forgot to disconnect.
VISE GRIPS
Used to round off bolt heads when pliers just won't do the trick. Can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
WIRE WHEEL
Cleans rust and corrosion off old bolts, them throws them somewhere under the work bench at the speed of light. Also good for removing fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses.
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