Rick Reilly from Sports Illustrated: "Giving Seattle the Needle"
02-03-2006, 08:45 AM
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Rick Reilly from Sports Illustrated: "Giving Seattle the Needle"
> Giving Seattle The Needle
> Rick Reilly
> Okay, Seattle, grab a grande, skinny, no-foam, half-caf Espresso
> Macchiato and let me explain why the Pittsburgh Steelers are going to
> grind you up like a Sumatra blend in Super Bowl XL.
> You suck at sports.
> You always have. You make nice motherboards, but you're dweebier than
> Frasier Crane's wine club. You've had the big three pro sports for 30
> years now--almost 40 for the NBA--and you have one lousy championship
> to show for it. Uno. The 1978 Seattle SuperSonics. My God, you people
> have fewer parades than Venice.
> What's amazing is, you do college sports even worse. In the 70 years
> that a mythical national championship has been awarded in college
> football, the University of Washington has one half of one title: in
> 1991 (with Miami). Zippo in basketball, baseball, track or field.
> O.K., the Huskies are good at crew (three women's titles, one men's).
> Wonderful. Somewhere, three salmon cheer.
> Your most famous athlete is a horse, Seattle Slew. Your most famous
> athletic moment was Bo Jackson's turning the Boz's chest into a
> welcome mat on Monday Night Football. Your greatest contribution to
> sports was the Wave, the fan-participation stunt that screams to the
> world, "We have no idea what the score is!"
> And do you know why you stink, Seattle? Because ...
> 1. You're too damn nice.
> Look at your Seahawks. Your MVP halfback, Shaun Alexander, teaches
> kids chess. Your scariest player is named Pork Chop. My God, last
> week, you offered valet parking service to reporters at Seahawks
> headquarters. (Seattle fans: If you see valet parking at Detroit's
> Ford Field this week, they're trying to steal your car.)
> Nearly every five-dollar-steak-tough athlete who comes to Seattle
> leaves--Gary Payton and Randy Johnson for instance. Consider Seattle's
> two favorite athletes--Steve Largent and Fred Couples. Those guys
> wouldn't complain if somebody extinguished a Cohiba in their ears.
> Your sportswriters are more forgiving than Hillary Clinton. If they
> covered Jeffrey Dahmer, they'd refer to him as "a people person."
> You Seattle fans don't just accept mediocrity. You crave it. You
> support your boys come hell or low water. You show up at the rate of
> three million a year for the Mariners, who never fail to let you down.
> Even the stadium sounds cuddly: Safeco Field. You pack the house for
> the underachieving SuperSonics, led by the NBA's nicest loser, Ray
> Allen. Your Seahawks went 21 years without a playoff win, and the fans
> didn't so much as clear their throats. Everybody just goes, "Well,
> that was fun. Let's kayak!" Hey, you can't spell Seattle without
> settle.
> The whole town is 100% June Cleaver. I once walked into Nordstrom, the
> Seattle-based department store, and sheepishly asked if I could bring
> back a shirt I'd bought a month before in another town. The clerk
> said, "Sir, this is Nordstrom. You could wear it for 10 years, throw
> up on it and roll down a mountain in it and we'd take it back." Ask
> that at Neiman Marcus and they call security.
> It ain't happening. Walruses don't do triple Salchows, and Seattle
> teams don't win titles.
> 2. You're too damn geeky.
> Your owner, Microsoft cofounder Paul Allen, looks like the kid in high
> school who always got taped to the goalposts. If Allen wins, will he
> call all his friends from band camp? Throw his slide rule into the
> air? Plot his joy on a scatter chart?
> Look, your average Seahawks fan drives a Prius. Your average Steelers
> fan drives a Ford Excursion, which has Priuses in its tire treads.
> Seahawks fans own poodles. Steelers fans eat them.
> 3. You're too damn wet.
> Seattle is a great place if you happen to be mold. It just rained 27
> straight days and it wasn't even a record. Seattle is basically a lot
> of guys waiting for a bus with rain starting to seep into their socks.
> Most kids are seven years old before they realize the umbrella is not
> an extension of the right arm. No wonder most great athletes leave.
> Ken Griffey Jr. left, basically saying, "I want my kid to be able to
> play outside once in a while."
> In short, you people are too damn peaceful and happy in your Emerald
> City. You ever know anybody from Pittsburgh? You want this Super Bowl.
> Pittsburgh needs it. You're going to get smoked like a platter of
> smelt.
> (But do you mind if we come live there?)
> - If you have a comment for Rick Reilly, send it to
> reilly@siletters.com.
> Rick Reilly
> Okay, Seattle, grab a grande, skinny, no-foam, half-caf Espresso
> Macchiato and let me explain why the Pittsburgh Steelers are going to
> grind you up like a Sumatra blend in Super Bowl XL.
> You suck at sports.
> You always have. You make nice motherboards, but you're dweebier than
> Frasier Crane's wine club. You've had the big three pro sports for 30
> years now--almost 40 for the NBA--and you have one lousy championship
> to show for it. Uno. The 1978 Seattle SuperSonics. My God, you people
> have fewer parades than Venice.
> What's amazing is, you do college sports even worse. In the 70 years
> that a mythical national championship has been awarded in college
> football, the University of Washington has one half of one title: in
> 1991 (with Miami). Zippo in basketball, baseball, track or field.
> O.K., the Huskies are good at crew (three women's titles, one men's).
> Wonderful. Somewhere, three salmon cheer.
> Your most famous athlete is a horse, Seattle Slew. Your most famous
> athletic moment was Bo Jackson's turning the Boz's chest into a
> welcome mat on Monday Night Football. Your greatest contribution to
> sports was the Wave, the fan-participation stunt that screams to the
> world, "We have no idea what the score is!"
> And do you know why you stink, Seattle? Because ...
> 1. You're too damn nice.
> Look at your Seahawks. Your MVP halfback, Shaun Alexander, teaches
> kids chess. Your scariest player is named Pork Chop. My God, last
> week, you offered valet parking service to reporters at Seahawks
> headquarters. (Seattle fans: If you see valet parking at Detroit's
> Ford Field this week, they're trying to steal your car.)
> Nearly every five-dollar-steak-tough athlete who comes to Seattle
> leaves--Gary Payton and Randy Johnson for instance. Consider Seattle's
> two favorite athletes--Steve Largent and Fred Couples. Those guys
> wouldn't complain if somebody extinguished a Cohiba in their ears.
> Your sportswriters are more forgiving than Hillary Clinton. If they
> covered Jeffrey Dahmer, they'd refer to him as "a people person."
> You Seattle fans don't just accept mediocrity. You crave it. You
> support your boys come hell or low water. You show up at the rate of
> three million a year for the Mariners, who never fail to let you down.
> Even the stadium sounds cuddly: Safeco Field. You pack the house for
> the underachieving SuperSonics, led by the NBA's nicest loser, Ray
> Allen. Your Seahawks went 21 years without a playoff win, and the fans
> didn't so much as clear their throats. Everybody just goes, "Well,
> that was fun. Let's kayak!" Hey, you can't spell Seattle without
> settle.
> The whole town is 100% June Cleaver. I once walked into Nordstrom, the
> Seattle-based department store, and sheepishly asked if I could bring
> back a shirt I'd bought a month before in another town. The clerk
> said, "Sir, this is Nordstrom. You could wear it for 10 years, throw
> up on it and roll down a mountain in it and we'd take it back." Ask
> that at Neiman Marcus and they call security.
> It ain't happening. Walruses don't do triple Salchows, and Seattle
> teams don't win titles.
> 2. You're too damn geeky.
> Your owner, Microsoft cofounder Paul Allen, looks like the kid in high
> school who always got taped to the goalposts. If Allen wins, will he
> call all his friends from band camp? Throw his slide rule into the
> air? Plot his joy on a scatter chart?
> Look, your average Seahawks fan drives a Prius. Your average Steelers
> fan drives a Ford Excursion, which has Priuses in its tire treads.
> Seahawks fans own poodles. Steelers fans eat them.
> 3. You're too damn wet.
> Seattle is a great place if you happen to be mold. It just rained 27
> straight days and it wasn't even a record. Seattle is basically a lot
> of guys waiting for a bus with rain starting to seep into their socks.
> Most kids are seven years old before they realize the umbrella is not
> an extension of the right arm. No wonder most great athletes leave.
> Ken Griffey Jr. left, basically saying, "I want my kid to be able to
> play outside once in a while."
> In short, you people are too damn peaceful and happy in your Emerald
> City. You ever know anybody from Pittsburgh? You want this Super Bowl.
> Pittsburgh needs it. You're going to get smoked like a platter of
> smelt.
> (But do you mind if we come live there?)
> - If you have a comment for Rick Reilly, send it to
> reilly@siletters.com.
02-03-2006, 08:46 AM
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OUR response to his article: "The Air Raid Siren"
In response to Rick Reilly's SI article "Giving Seattle The Needle"...
Okay, Reilly, that was a very original introduction. The whole "Seattlites are all coffee drinking pansies" angle is really unexplored territory. That was Hemingway-esque work. Brilliant.
You suck at sportswriting.
You always have. Your talent in writing sports columns is akin to 2 Live Crew's talent as a hip-hop act: when ability is lacking, controversy will have to suffice.
Now I'm going to explain to you why you are wrong. As usual.
You are correct in your assertion that we Seattlites have suffered through decade after decade of miserable professional sports teams. Interesting, though, that when Chicago Cubs fans or Boston Red Sox fans cheer bravely for their teams in spite of the never-ending letdowns, those fans are viewed almost as tragic heroes, backing their teams in the face of decades of adversity. We here in the Northwest have endured similar pains, and yet you accuse of "craving mediocrity". Preposterous! In reality, fans in cities like Chicago and Boston have NO CONCEPT of what supporting a losing in truly like; while the Red Sox were slumping, the Patriots were busy winning Super Bowls. While the Cubs wallowed in mediocrity, the Bulls were racking up their six NBA Championships.
As a 30 year-old native Seattlite, I have no memory of our single championship winning team, the '78-79 Sonics. For the most part, our professional sports franchises have been a joke throughout my lifetime. There's no denying it. HOWEVER, that does not mean that we are content! Your claims of Seattle fans packing Key Arena to watch the lowly Ray Allen-lead Sonics are ridiculous; if this was the case, we wouldn't be hearing Sonics GM and public enemy number one Wally Walker crying about the SuperSonics' Key Arena lease. And perhaps your senile, half-century's old brain has simply blanked out the two decades 7,000 Mariners fans' voicing bouncing off the cavernous concrete interior of the Kingdome?
However, while we may not have been packing the sports venues, we have remained steadfast in our loyalty to our teams. That's why Qwest Field has become the best homefield advantage in the NFL. Our fans are STARVED for victories. Show us even the slightest sliver of hope and we're ready, jersey-clad and rally-towels in hand! Give us any reason to think there's a chance of our dark decades as designated West Coast whipping boys coming to an end and we'll answer the call to arms, we'll unleash decades of pent-up losing frustration!
And you couldn't be more wrong on your assessment of our college sports; the University of Washington football program, while down for the moment, has been the one bastion, the one saving grace in this otherwise winless and angst-ridden town. The Huskies not only have a National Championship within recent memory, but have also made well over a dozen trips to the West Coast's holy grail of footballdom, the Rose Bowl.
So, now that we've set you straight, take a seat, crack open one of our fine Northwest beers (forget about coffee, the Northwest brews the finest beer in the country), and allow yourself to be educated:
Your first point - "You're too damn nice."
First of all, screw you, pal.
Secondly, you mentioned Largent and Pork Chop Womack. But how about you take the field and let Seahawks legend Kenny Easley shove his helmet through your face. Nice enough for you? Maybe you'd like Shawn Kemp to dunk on your head, then take your wife out for a drink after work? Lou Pinella, Gary Payton, Jay Buhner...yeah, these guys were all well known for their sunny dispositions. About as sunny as Seattle was this January.
Walter Jones, Mack Strong, and Lofa Tatupu have a little something to say about which Super Bowl team is cute and cuddly. Big Ben Roethlisberger's beard sure is cute, don't you think? As will his Ford Expedition squished under the rear-end of a Northwest log-hauling Mack truck.
Your second point - "You're too damn geeky."
Reilly, you're a sportswriter. You've done nothing but obsess about other men for the past 20 years. You're in no position to make judgment calls on who is or isn't geeky. Go back to that computer we made for you and figure out who's going to be the starting quarterback in your fantasy league this week. Dork.
Your third point - "You're too damn wet."
You spend your entire article attempting to make a point about Seattle teams being soft, then you turn around and complain about rain? If you knew what you were talking about, you would know, first, that native Seattlites don't use umbrellas. Out-of-towner pansies like your self bring umbrellas to our fair city. We are born into this climate, water is our oxygen. Some of us actually have gills. Crybabies like Griffey Junior who can't deal with the rain are sent packing, and spent the rest of their careers wallowing in a puddle...of mediocrity.
So, you think the Seahawks are going to get "smoked like a platter of smelt", do you? Pittsburgh has won championships before. Seattle is DYING to win. This dark, rainy town needs that trophy ten times more than Pittsburgh. The Seahawks OWE us that damned trophy for the three decades of blood, sweat, and rain we've put into supporting their underachieving butts.
I hate coffee.
Wake up and smell the beer, Reilly. Steeltown is going DOWN.
<b><big><big>BWAHAHAHAHAHA RICK REILLY GOT OWNED!!111</big></big></b>
Okay, Reilly, that was a very original introduction. The whole "Seattlites are all coffee drinking pansies" angle is really unexplored territory. That was Hemingway-esque work. Brilliant.
You suck at sportswriting.
You always have. Your talent in writing sports columns is akin to 2 Live Crew's talent as a hip-hop act: when ability is lacking, controversy will have to suffice.
Now I'm going to explain to you why you are wrong. As usual.
You are correct in your assertion that we Seattlites have suffered through decade after decade of miserable professional sports teams. Interesting, though, that when Chicago Cubs fans or Boston Red Sox fans cheer bravely for their teams in spite of the never-ending letdowns, those fans are viewed almost as tragic heroes, backing their teams in the face of decades of adversity. We here in the Northwest have endured similar pains, and yet you accuse of "craving mediocrity". Preposterous! In reality, fans in cities like Chicago and Boston have NO CONCEPT of what supporting a losing in truly like; while the Red Sox were slumping, the Patriots were busy winning Super Bowls. While the Cubs wallowed in mediocrity, the Bulls were racking up their six NBA Championships.
As a 30 year-old native Seattlite, I have no memory of our single championship winning team, the '78-79 Sonics. For the most part, our professional sports franchises have been a joke throughout my lifetime. There's no denying it. HOWEVER, that does not mean that we are content! Your claims of Seattle fans packing Key Arena to watch the lowly Ray Allen-lead Sonics are ridiculous; if this was the case, we wouldn't be hearing Sonics GM and public enemy number one Wally Walker crying about the SuperSonics' Key Arena lease. And perhaps your senile, half-century's old brain has simply blanked out the two decades 7,000 Mariners fans' voicing bouncing off the cavernous concrete interior of the Kingdome?
However, while we may not have been packing the sports venues, we have remained steadfast in our loyalty to our teams. That's why Qwest Field has become the best homefield advantage in the NFL. Our fans are STARVED for victories. Show us even the slightest sliver of hope and we're ready, jersey-clad and rally-towels in hand! Give us any reason to think there's a chance of our dark decades as designated West Coast whipping boys coming to an end and we'll answer the call to arms, we'll unleash decades of pent-up losing frustration!
And you couldn't be more wrong on your assessment of our college sports; the University of Washington football program, while down for the moment, has been the one bastion, the one saving grace in this otherwise winless and angst-ridden town. The Huskies not only have a National Championship within recent memory, but have also made well over a dozen trips to the West Coast's holy grail of footballdom, the Rose Bowl.
So, now that we've set you straight, take a seat, crack open one of our fine Northwest beers (forget about coffee, the Northwest brews the finest beer in the country), and allow yourself to be educated:
Your first point - "You're too damn nice."
First of all, screw you, pal.
Secondly, you mentioned Largent and Pork Chop Womack. But how about you take the field and let Seahawks legend Kenny Easley shove his helmet through your face. Nice enough for you? Maybe you'd like Shawn Kemp to dunk on your head, then take your wife out for a drink after work? Lou Pinella, Gary Payton, Jay Buhner...yeah, these guys were all well known for their sunny dispositions. About as sunny as Seattle was this January.
Walter Jones, Mack Strong, and Lofa Tatupu have a little something to say about which Super Bowl team is cute and cuddly. Big Ben Roethlisberger's beard sure is cute, don't you think? As will his Ford Expedition squished under the rear-end of a Northwest log-hauling Mack truck.
Your second point - "You're too damn geeky."
Reilly, you're a sportswriter. You've done nothing but obsess about other men for the past 20 years. You're in no position to make judgment calls on who is or isn't geeky. Go back to that computer we made for you and figure out who's going to be the starting quarterback in your fantasy league this week. Dork.
Your third point - "You're too damn wet."
You spend your entire article attempting to make a point about Seattle teams being soft, then you turn around and complain about rain? If you knew what you were talking about, you would know, first, that native Seattlites don't use umbrellas. Out-of-towner pansies like your self bring umbrellas to our fair city. We are born into this climate, water is our oxygen. Some of us actually have gills. Crybabies like Griffey Junior who can't deal with the rain are sent packing, and spent the rest of their careers wallowing in a puddle...of mediocrity.
So, you think the Seahawks are going to get "smoked like a platter of smelt", do you? Pittsburgh has won championships before. Seattle is DYING to win. This dark, rainy town needs that trophy ten times more than Pittsburgh. The Seahawks OWE us that damned trophy for the three decades of blood, sweat, and rain we've put into supporting their underachieving butts.
I hate coffee.
Wake up and smell the beer, Reilly. Steeltown is going DOWN.
<b><big><big>BWAHAHAHAHAHA RICK REILLY GOT OWNED!!111</big></big></b>
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