Right rear speaker repair, VandyS4 style. (S4Poor, I hate you.)
04-05-2006, 08:14 AM
#1
AudiWorld Super User
Thread Starter
Right rear speaker repair, VandyS4 style. (S4Poor, I hate you.)
1. Post about fixing rear speaker on Friday.
2. S4Poor says he can do it in 15 minutes. Tell him you'll call him.
3. Manly gene kicks in - you don't need directions on pulling a speaker, gluing the dust cap back on, and putting it back in. Get pumped up over the weekend about repairing that speaker every time it blats on a bass note.
4. Fast forward to Monday.
5. Call buddy Monday afternoon to meet at the house so we can go look at cell phones (new plan time.) Tell him that we're also going to fix "that dam right rear speaker", again. Stupid Audi. Hang up.
6. Call buddy back. Ask if he has any super glue, since you left yours at work. He does. Remind him to bring it.
7. Buddy arrives at house at the same time as you. Park car, wait requisite minute before shutting car off.
8. Go into house to discuss game plan.
9. Come back out of house, head towards car. <insert standoff music here> Dirt and tumble weed roll across yard. Where the heck did that come from?
10. Open rear door; let rear seat down. Rear seat headrest hits back of front seats. Damn. Stupid engineers with crappy tolerances.
11. Open front door, move both seats up.
12. Get back in rear doors, tell buddy that it should only take 15 minutes to pull and fix speaker. Contemplate calling S4Poor, then remember that you live in the middle of nowhere with no cell phone signal and no internet. Oh well, how hard can it be?
13. Remove plastic covers for funny looking things on rear deck. 13mm bolts hold the metal thingies underneath the plastic covers. Get back out of car and into trunk. Look for 13mm socket for 3 minutes. Internal clock tells you that 15 minutes might be cutting it, but still possible.
14. Remove 13mm bolts and shims from rear deck. Set them in the trunk, nearly lose one in the abyss that is the crack between the seats and the trunk.
15. Realize that you didn't have to get out of the car and could have reached into the trunk from where you were to get the socket. And you made what on your ACT?
16. Move over so buddy can get into car and help you remove rear deck.
17. Rear deck doesn't budge. WTF? How in the hell is it held in place?
18. Climb into trunk from back seat, looking for bolts/clips that would hold rear deck in place. Nada.
19. Try moving seat belt out of the way and pulling rest of seat out of the way; both you and buddy try to move rear deck again. Nothing.
20. Buddy wiggles his side and gets it to move an inch. Yours still won't move. Wonder why you even go to the gym when your best friend sits on his *** all day and can move a piece of carpet and plastic an inch further than you can.
21. Wish to God that you had cell phone service or the intraweb for help. Instead, an idea flashes through your head.
22. Get out screwdriver from trunk (didn't have to get out of car this time) and pry underneath right rear speaker grille. It moves a nanometer, giving you hope. You apply more force.
23. Speaker grille cracks and breaks on the corner that you were prying on.
24. Mentally see that you aren't entering the car show this year until you fix the grill. Curse Audi. Think to self that this is now war.
25. Tell buddy that you'll replace it later and that since it's already broken, you might as well break the rest of it.
26. Buddy gets out of car.
27. You break a big piece off of the grille; plastic goes flying. This is going to be easy. Notice left thumb is bleeding. How in the world did that happen?
28. Stick thumb to mouth to keep blood off of interior.
29. Since you can't use a screwdriver with one hand, start looking for pliers. Visualize your favorite lock grip pliers ripping through the plastic grille that inflicted damage upon your thumb.
30. Futilely look for pliers. After 5 minutes of searching the car, the house, and the car again, settle on some wussy looking needle nose pliers.
31. Put wussy pliers aside and use hands to break plastic grille up.
32. Speaker is now mostly visible. See that it takes Torx. Spend 2 minutes looking for Torx bits. Find Torx set, still in plastic clamshell case that you bought them in.
33. Open clamshell case; Torx bits go everywhere.
34. Clean up Torx bits and put them back in case. Try a T15 bit in the fastener. It works.
35. Use T15 bit to remove all 3 screws. Put screws on rear deck.
36. Look at speaker dust cap. Cap looks fine. Heart sinks.
37. Pull speaker out of enclosure. Realize that it's still hooked to the wiring. See that the wires have been soldered onto the speaker.
38. Tell buddy to take a look. Buddy says they aren't soldered, removes clear sticker that apparently resembles solder to your eyes, and then he removes the wires from the speaker. He also pulls the dust cap loose effortlessly, saying that it was definitely loose.
39. Remind self to call gym and cancel membership.
40. Buddy disappears into house to super glue dust cap.
41. Return to back seat to finish removing speaker grille parts that are protruding from rear deck. Use wussy pliers.
42. Get all but back two protrusions broken. Break next to last protrusion, parts go flying everywhere. Start to break last protrusion, realize that left ring finger hurts.
43. Look at left ring finger, see blood pouring out of gash.
44. Run inside and put under cold water. See buddy sitting calmly in chair while glue dries, reading a magazine. Bleeding doesn't stop, but gash reminds you of the time you cut yourself with a knife and had to get stitches.
45. Yell at buddy, telling him what happened. He ignores you. Mentally plot how to cut his finger on re-install of speaker. Snicker evilly.
46. Put band-aid and anti-whatever cream on wounds. Thanks mom.
47. Walk back out to car. Note new dent in car and paint missing. Remember hail storm from previous night.
48. Run back in house to get camera. Look in house for camera for 10 minutes. Wonder out loud where girlfriend might have hidden it.
49. Walk back out to car, open glove box, get camera out of it. Mutter something about new contacts prescription.
50. Take pictures of dented hood, top, and trunk, and doors as well. Make mental note to call insurance.
51. Get back in rear of car and remove last protrusion from speaker grille. Admire pieces of grille with a smile - victory is mine!
52. Buddy comes out of house with speaker and pronounces glue to be holding well. Rest in front seat.
53. Buddy tries to put speaker wires back on speaker, but is having difficulty with little magnet cover on speaker.
54. Look in rear seat as buddy takes screwdriver and tries to remove plastic magnet cover.
55. Not wanting to break anything else, talk him out of the speaker and the screwdriver.
56. Use confiscated screwdriver to loosen two of four legs that hold the plastic part onto the magnet.
57. Notice that other two legs aren't even really holding onto the speaker at all. Break one off to make sure. Plastic part remains firmly attached to the speaker magnet. Realize that Audi used glue to hold it on. ZOMG!!!11!! WHY IN THE HELL DID THEY USE GLUE? WERE THE FOUR LEGS NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR THEM? WHO GAVE THESE *******S ENGINEERING DEGREES? FIRST, THEY MAKE SPEAKERS THAT FAIL TWICE, THEN BACK SEATS THAT HIT THE FRONT SEATS, THEN A DECK THAT WON'T COME OUT, AND NOW THEY USE F*&%ING CONCRETE TO HOLD A MOTHERF*&%ING POINTLESS MAGNET COVER IN PLACE?
58. Hand speaker back to buddy, who is now promising that he can get the speaker in place, no matter how hard it is.
59. Buddy wires speaker in.
60. Turn radio on.
61. Speaker works fine and doesn't rattle, even though it is playing some gay song.
62. Look at radio and realize it is playing music from your Phatbox. Remind self to format hard drive.
63. Turn radio off.
64. Get in back seat to finish installing speakers.
65. Put first Torx screw back in and start to tighten. Bit slips half of the time, and when you remove the bit, you see lots of metal on it. Make mental note that you'll have to drill the screw out next time.
66. Try to put in next Torx screw. Screw won't go in. Get out of car and look through rear glass. See that speaker and hole aren't lined up properly.
67. Get back in back seat. Try to move speaker around. Speaker doesn't budge.
68. Buddy tries to move speaker, but you stop him and tell him that you'll have to take the Torx back out instead. Remember that other buddy has hookup for some `roids.
69. Start backing out Torx screw, which starts to strip immediately. Look at Torx bit. Decide to try bigger bit. T20 bit fits perfectly. Resolve to burn engineering diploma along with making obscene phone calls to all former professors for letting an idiot get out of their university.
70. Use T20 bit to pull Torx screw back out.
71. Pull speaker back out; line it up with holes.
72. Drop screw under rear deck that has yet to move. Try to feel around for screw with no luck. Hit left ring finger; scream out in pain.
73. Decide to just use two screws to hold speaker in place.
74. Get both screws started and tighten down with T20 Torx bit.
75. Put Torx bit back in clamshell. Close clamshell packaging, almost. Torx bits fall everywhere. Have buddy help you pick up bits and carefully put them back in packaging.
76. Go back inside house to get Walmart bag to hold all of broken speaker grille.
77. Pick up plastic pieces, trying not to cut yourself again.
78. Put all tools back in toolbox and lock rear seats back into position.
79. Get into driver's seat. Try to move seat back to where it was; mutter something about memory seats in every luxury vehicle but Audi.
80. Drive car to cell phone place.
81. Cell phone place is closed. Their hours are 10-6. Complain that there is no reason to even be open if they are going to work part-time. Head home.
82. Resolve to post this to Audiworld and receive the ridicule that you deserve and e-mail it to friends/family so they can laugh as well.
83. While thinking of Audiworld, you realize that VandyS4 could have repaired the speaker better than you did and S4Poor could have done it faster. Crap, I suck.
2. S4Poor says he can do it in 15 minutes. Tell him you'll call him.
3. Manly gene kicks in - you don't need directions on pulling a speaker, gluing the dust cap back on, and putting it back in. Get pumped up over the weekend about repairing that speaker every time it blats on a bass note.
4. Fast forward to Monday.
5. Call buddy Monday afternoon to meet at the house so we can go look at cell phones (new plan time.) Tell him that we're also going to fix "that dam right rear speaker", again. Stupid Audi. Hang up.
6. Call buddy back. Ask if he has any super glue, since you left yours at work. He does. Remind him to bring it.
7. Buddy arrives at house at the same time as you. Park car, wait requisite minute before shutting car off.
8. Go into house to discuss game plan.
9. Come back out of house, head towards car. <insert standoff music here> Dirt and tumble weed roll across yard. Where the heck did that come from?
10. Open rear door; let rear seat down. Rear seat headrest hits back of front seats. Damn. Stupid engineers with crappy tolerances.
11. Open front door, move both seats up.
12. Get back in rear doors, tell buddy that it should only take 15 minutes to pull and fix speaker. Contemplate calling S4Poor, then remember that you live in the middle of nowhere with no cell phone signal and no internet. Oh well, how hard can it be?
13. Remove plastic covers for funny looking things on rear deck. 13mm bolts hold the metal thingies underneath the plastic covers. Get back out of car and into trunk. Look for 13mm socket for 3 minutes. Internal clock tells you that 15 minutes might be cutting it, but still possible.
14. Remove 13mm bolts and shims from rear deck. Set them in the trunk, nearly lose one in the abyss that is the crack between the seats and the trunk.
15. Realize that you didn't have to get out of the car and could have reached into the trunk from where you were to get the socket. And you made what on your ACT?
16. Move over so buddy can get into car and help you remove rear deck.
17. Rear deck doesn't budge. WTF? How in the hell is it held in place?
18. Climb into trunk from back seat, looking for bolts/clips that would hold rear deck in place. Nada.
19. Try moving seat belt out of the way and pulling rest of seat out of the way; both you and buddy try to move rear deck again. Nothing.
20. Buddy wiggles his side and gets it to move an inch. Yours still won't move. Wonder why you even go to the gym when your best friend sits on his *** all day and can move a piece of carpet and plastic an inch further than you can.
21. Wish to God that you had cell phone service or the intraweb for help. Instead, an idea flashes through your head.
22. Get out screwdriver from trunk (didn't have to get out of car this time) and pry underneath right rear speaker grille. It moves a nanometer, giving you hope. You apply more force.
23. Speaker grille cracks and breaks on the corner that you were prying on.
24. Mentally see that you aren't entering the car show this year until you fix the grill. Curse Audi. Think to self that this is now war.
25. Tell buddy that you'll replace it later and that since it's already broken, you might as well break the rest of it.
26. Buddy gets out of car.
27. You break a big piece off of the grille; plastic goes flying. This is going to be easy. Notice left thumb is bleeding. How in the world did that happen?
28. Stick thumb to mouth to keep blood off of interior.
29. Since you can't use a screwdriver with one hand, start looking for pliers. Visualize your favorite lock grip pliers ripping through the plastic grille that inflicted damage upon your thumb.
30. Futilely look for pliers. After 5 minutes of searching the car, the house, and the car again, settle on some wussy looking needle nose pliers.
31. Put wussy pliers aside and use hands to break plastic grille up.
32. Speaker is now mostly visible. See that it takes Torx. Spend 2 minutes looking for Torx bits. Find Torx set, still in plastic clamshell case that you bought them in.
33. Open clamshell case; Torx bits go everywhere.
34. Clean up Torx bits and put them back in case. Try a T15 bit in the fastener. It works.
35. Use T15 bit to remove all 3 screws. Put screws on rear deck.
36. Look at speaker dust cap. Cap looks fine. Heart sinks.
37. Pull speaker out of enclosure. Realize that it's still hooked to the wiring. See that the wires have been soldered onto the speaker.
38. Tell buddy to take a look. Buddy says they aren't soldered, removes clear sticker that apparently resembles solder to your eyes, and then he removes the wires from the speaker. He also pulls the dust cap loose effortlessly, saying that it was definitely loose.
39. Remind self to call gym and cancel membership.
40. Buddy disappears into house to super glue dust cap.
41. Return to back seat to finish removing speaker grille parts that are protruding from rear deck. Use wussy pliers.
42. Get all but back two protrusions broken. Break next to last protrusion, parts go flying everywhere. Start to break last protrusion, realize that left ring finger hurts.
43. Look at left ring finger, see blood pouring out of gash.
44. Run inside and put under cold water. See buddy sitting calmly in chair while glue dries, reading a magazine. Bleeding doesn't stop, but gash reminds you of the time you cut yourself with a knife and had to get stitches.
45. Yell at buddy, telling him what happened. He ignores you. Mentally plot how to cut his finger on re-install of speaker. Snicker evilly.
46. Put band-aid and anti-whatever cream on wounds. Thanks mom.
47. Walk back out to car. Note new dent in car and paint missing. Remember hail storm from previous night.
48. Run back in house to get camera. Look in house for camera for 10 minutes. Wonder out loud where girlfriend might have hidden it.
49. Walk back out to car, open glove box, get camera out of it. Mutter something about new contacts prescription.
50. Take pictures of dented hood, top, and trunk, and doors as well. Make mental note to call insurance.
51. Get back in rear of car and remove last protrusion from speaker grille. Admire pieces of grille with a smile - victory is mine!
52. Buddy comes out of house with speaker and pronounces glue to be holding well. Rest in front seat.
53. Buddy tries to put speaker wires back on speaker, but is having difficulty with little magnet cover on speaker.
54. Look in rear seat as buddy takes screwdriver and tries to remove plastic magnet cover.
55. Not wanting to break anything else, talk him out of the speaker and the screwdriver.
56. Use confiscated screwdriver to loosen two of four legs that hold the plastic part onto the magnet.
57. Notice that other two legs aren't even really holding onto the speaker at all. Break one off to make sure. Plastic part remains firmly attached to the speaker magnet. Realize that Audi used glue to hold it on. ZOMG!!!11!! WHY IN THE HELL DID THEY USE GLUE? WERE THE FOUR LEGS NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR THEM? WHO GAVE THESE *******S ENGINEERING DEGREES? FIRST, THEY MAKE SPEAKERS THAT FAIL TWICE, THEN BACK SEATS THAT HIT THE FRONT SEATS, THEN A DECK THAT WON'T COME OUT, AND NOW THEY USE F*&%ING CONCRETE TO HOLD A MOTHERF*&%ING POINTLESS MAGNET COVER IN PLACE?
58. Hand speaker back to buddy, who is now promising that he can get the speaker in place, no matter how hard it is.
59. Buddy wires speaker in.
60. Turn radio on.
61. Speaker works fine and doesn't rattle, even though it is playing some gay song.
62. Look at radio and realize it is playing music from your Phatbox. Remind self to format hard drive.
63. Turn radio off.
64. Get in back seat to finish installing speakers.
65. Put first Torx screw back in and start to tighten. Bit slips half of the time, and when you remove the bit, you see lots of metal on it. Make mental note that you'll have to drill the screw out next time.
66. Try to put in next Torx screw. Screw won't go in. Get out of car and look through rear glass. See that speaker and hole aren't lined up properly.
67. Get back in back seat. Try to move speaker around. Speaker doesn't budge.
68. Buddy tries to move speaker, but you stop him and tell him that you'll have to take the Torx back out instead. Remember that other buddy has hookup for some `roids.
69. Start backing out Torx screw, which starts to strip immediately. Look at Torx bit. Decide to try bigger bit. T20 bit fits perfectly. Resolve to burn engineering diploma along with making obscene phone calls to all former professors for letting an idiot get out of their university.
70. Use T20 bit to pull Torx screw back out.
71. Pull speaker back out; line it up with holes.
72. Drop screw under rear deck that has yet to move. Try to feel around for screw with no luck. Hit left ring finger; scream out in pain.
73. Decide to just use two screws to hold speaker in place.
74. Get both screws started and tighten down with T20 Torx bit.
75. Put Torx bit back in clamshell. Close clamshell packaging, almost. Torx bits fall everywhere. Have buddy help you pick up bits and carefully put them back in packaging.
76. Go back inside house to get Walmart bag to hold all of broken speaker grille.
77. Pick up plastic pieces, trying not to cut yourself again.
78. Put all tools back in toolbox and lock rear seats back into position.
79. Get into driver's seat. Try to move seat back to where it was; mutter something about memory seats in every luxury vehicle but Audi.
80. Drive car to cell phone place.
81. Cell phone place is closed. Their hours are 10-6. Complain that there is no reason to even be open if they are going to work part-time. Head home.
82. Resolve to post this to Audiworld and receive the ridicule that you deserve and e-mail it to friends/family so they can laugh as well.
83. While thinking of Audiworld, you realize that VandyS4 could have repaired the speaker better than you did and S4Poor could have done it faster. Crap, I suck.
04-05-2006, 08:29 AM
#5
ROTFLMAO! I am soo sorry for your "issues" I told you two or three times
to call me. That is one of the funniest things I've read in a long time. Did you remember to unhook the 3rd brake light plug too? I can't believe you had so many problems. Next time your GF asks you to pull over for directions, are you going to? I was a simple phone call away. Did you use Silicone too? If not the super glue will dry and be brittle in about 1 month, so you'll be back to ripping out grills 
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04-05-2006, 08:39 AM
#9
Hysterical...insert 45a for future reference..."Super Glue gash in left ring finger"
That stuff is perfect for cuts like that. Infact it was invented for the medics in the army instead of having to use stiches.
Not that would have helped you with the other 83 steps...
Not that would have helped you with the other 83 steps...
