EighTT

D I L B E R T'S L A W S


I can only please one person per day.
Today is not your day.
Tomorrow is not looking good either.

I love deadlines.
I especially like that whooshing sound
they make as they go flying by.

Tell me what you need,
and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

Accept that some days you are the pigeon
and some days you are the statue.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute.
If she isn't there the first time,
chances are you won't be needing her again.

I don't have an attitude problem.
You have a perception problem.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky
and I thought to myself...
where the heck is the ceiling?

My reality check bounced.

On the keyboard of life,
always keep one finger on the escape key.

I don't suffer from stress.
I am a carrier.

You are slower than a herd of turtles
stampeding through peanut butter.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons,
because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

Never argue with an idiot.
They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

After any salary raise, you will have less money
at the end of the month than you did before.

You can go anywhere you want
if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning
and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

When the bosses talk about improving productivity,
they are never talking about themselves.

If at first you don't succeed...
skydiving may not be for you.

There will always be trash on the floor of your car
when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

Everything can be filed under miscellaneous.

Never delay the ending of a meeting
or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

To err is human.
To forgive is not our policy.

Anyone can do any amount of work
provided it isn't the work he is supposed to do.

Important letters that contain no errors
will develop errors in the mail.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work.
If you are really good, you will get out of it.

You are always doing something marginal
when the boss drops by your desk.

People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

At work, the authority of a person is inversely
proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

When you don't know what to do...
walk fast and look worried.

Following the rules will not get the job done.
Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

When confronted by a difficult problem,
you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question:

How would the Lone Ranger handle this?

The last person that was fired
is always held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

undrway

Engineers and scientists can never earn as much as business executives and salespeople.

Proof:

Postulate 1: Knowledge = Power
Postulate 2: Time = Money

Definition: Power = Work/Time

Substituting: Knowledge = Work/Money

Solving for Money: Money = Work/Knowledge

Limit as knowledge -> 0 = infinity

Therefore: as knowledge decreases, money increases - regardless of amount of work done.