Rennen

<img src="http://timvp.com/beverly.jpg" />

OTOF

a rusted El Dora Do with trailor attached.

RTinNYC(again)

YOU KNOW YOU'RE TRAILER TRASH WHEN . . .
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People."
You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
Anyone in your family ever died right after saying,"Hey, y'all watch this"
You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl.'
You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
You go to your family reunion looking for a date.
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen, start
your engines."
You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.
The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much
gas it has in it.
You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
One of your kids was born on a pool table.
Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House
of Tattoos.
You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.
Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it.
You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school.
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos."
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

SecuriTT

You're probably a redneck if...

1. More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general.
2. Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.
3. You've ever used lard in bed.
4. Your home has more miles on it than your car.
5. You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve.
6. There is a stuffed opossum anywhere in your house.
7. You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
8. Fewer than half of your cars run.
9. Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ***.
10. The primary color of your car is "bondo".
11. You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.
12. You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
13. Your family tree doesn't fork.
14. Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
15. Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event.
17. You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
18. The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.
19. The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
20. Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
21. You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
22. Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
23. The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
24. You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
25. You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
26. You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.
27. The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".
28. Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
29. You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
30. Your favorite Christmas present, was a painting on black velvet.
31. You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
32. The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the hell are you looking at, ****head?"
33. You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
34. You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
35. The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!"
"HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin?" (If they respond with the same... they're a redneck too!)
36. You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
37. Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
38. You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
39. You think that the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
40. You've been too drunk to fish.
41. You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
42. You've ever used a weedeater indoors.
43. You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
44. You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'
45. You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
46. Your riches relative invites you over to his new home to help him remove the wheels and skirt.
47. You've ever financed a tattoo.
48. Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
49. You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.
50. You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
51. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
52. Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
53. Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
54. The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
55. Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
56. Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps.
57. You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
58. You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
59. Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people".
60. You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.
61. Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
62. You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
63. You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.
64. You have to scratch your sisters name out of the message: "for a good time call . .", because you feel guilty about putting it there...
65. Redman sends you a Christmas card.
66. You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
67. Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
68. Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
69. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
70. You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind".
71. You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.
72. You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
73. You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
74. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
75. You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
76. After making love you ask your date to roll down the window.
77. The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.
78. You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
79. Someone in your family says "***'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush it."
80. Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.
81. You mow your lawn and find a car.
82. If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes (if you have them) a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
83. You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.
84. You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.
85. You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
86. You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
87. You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".
88. You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
89. You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
90. There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.
91. You think the Mountain Men in deliverance were just "Misunderstood".
92. You've ever made change in the offering plate.
93. If the fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year,"
94. You consider a good tan to be the back of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve...
95. You own at least 20 baseball hats.
96. You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.
97. You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
98. When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank!
99. Your biggest ambition in life is to "git thet big'ole coon. The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah bubba's barn..."
100. Three quarters of the clothes you own have LOGOS on them.
101. When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can loose them or not.
102. You have 5 cars that are immobile and house that is!
103. You gene pool doesn't have a "deep end"
104. "Honey? Are the lights out? Is the door locked? Is the parking brake set?" is what you hear right before you and your wife/girl make love
105. Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
106. You'd rather catch bass than get some (if you can't guess...)
107. You have a Hefty bag for a Car/Truck convertible top.
108. Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
109. You think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed.
110. You have an Elvis Jell-O mold.
111. You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
112. You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
113. You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.
114. You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
116. There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
117. The theme song at your high school prom was `Friends in Low Places'
118. It's Easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
119. You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors.
120. You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.
121. You idea of talking during sex is "Ain't no cars coming, baby!"
122. Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer gray.
123. The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.
124. Yer mom calls ya over t'help, cause she has a flat tire...on her house
125. The ASPCA raids yer kitchen
126. Ya have to check in the bottom yer shoe for change so ya can get grandma a new plug of tobacco
127. Foreplay consists of slipping off her saddle
128. Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart cause there is a law against it.
129. Ya celebrate groundhog day (cause ya believe in it!!)
130. You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado,
131. You fish in your above-ground pool, especially if you catch something!
132. When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your jeans.
133. Helping your cousin, Billy-Bob, move into his new place consists of the wheels off his doublewide (in memory of Chris "No House" Skowronski)...
134. Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.
135. You know you're a redneck if you wake up with both a black eye and a hickey.
136. Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
137. "Buck Naked Line Dancing" isn't a videotape, it's "Ladies Night" at the local bar.
138. Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
139. You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
140. You're moved to tears everytime you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You".
141. Dolly Parton reminds you of the `Grand Tetons'. (of course this is a very sophisticated sophisticated redneck joke... if you laughed... you must be a redneck, only they will get this one.)
142. You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.
143. Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center. (Clinton true-life story)
145. The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection (you insurance man is one too if he pays you for it).
146. You actually made a pyramid of cans in the pale moonlight with Alan Jackson.
147. You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
148. You've ever hit a deer with your car... on purpose!
149. You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
150. Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
151. You've ever parked a Camero in a tree.
152. Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
153. Your dad is also your favorite uncle.

RTinNYC(again)

Haven't committed to a date, yet, but one must follow local etiquette on such matters...

GuilTTy

...not have a clue what a TT is (or you might confuse it w/ the belly of your goats).

YosemyTT

Funny stuff lol ;-)

Foxworthy said stuff like:
"If your familly tree looks like a telegraph pole...you might be a redneck. If you've ever taken a beer into a job interview...you might be a redneck. If you refer to 5th grade as 'my senior year'...you might be a redneck. If the porch in front of your house collapses and kills more than 4 dogs...you might just be a redneck. If your dad walks you to school because he's in the same grade as you...you might be a redneck"

I have to admit that a LOT of this is in the delivery. You should check him out.

SecuriTT

WHAT IS A REDNECK?

Long before the first cat hat was donned, the first cherry-bomb muffler installed, or the first pop-top bracelet created, nobody knows exactly where they came from or who the first one was. Maybe they descened from a caveman who liked to scratch a lot while admiring the prehistoric kill of the day, or maybe a Roman soldier who put taps on his sandals and fuzzy dice on his chariot.

Regardless of their roots, today they not only survive, they flourish. A common misconception is that Rednecks are confined to warmer climates and speak with a southern accent, but nothing could be further from the truth.
Rednecks are very durable characters and can adapt to any climate (with the help of flannel and chenille). Redneck is not a term of derision; it's a state of mind.


Christmas At The Redneck Household
By Sandy Illes

It was really hard gettin' a good fire goin' for Santa, but we managed to do it by settin' a few
crates burnin' in the middle of the livin' room. The kids began cryin' when the tree caught fire but
we just told 'em that Santa would leave an extra round of ammo in their stockings. That cheered 'em
up a whole lot.

We left out the traditional plate of chewin' tobacco and a shot of moonshine for the old fat guy. We sure
could never figure out why the old guy had the face of a cherub and the body of Delta Burke.

In the morning, we had to rush out to the highway to find us some dinner. Luckily, we found a deer and
brought it home in the back of the pickup. The missus commenced to preparin' the meat while I went
to see what was happenin' with the kids.

Well, they were just delighted with the gifts they received. Larry had gotten two rounds of ammo and a
new sock that matched the one he got last year; Darryl got two rounds of ammo and a real live
spider; the other Darryl got two rounds of ammo and a toothbrush (although Lord knows why he asked for
one - he ain't got no teeth!).

It was just a grand old day, what with the kids shootin' at each other and the dogs. Spot was killed
so we put him in the freezer for tomorrow night's supper.

When we sat down to eat, I didn't expect what Larry said. He said, "We're not going to eat Rudolph, are
we???" Well, whaddya know - the deer we'd found on the road was a reindeer and none other than Rudolph the
red-nosed reindeer, at that!

He tasted delicious!


You Might Be A Redneck If...

A Family Feud Arises Sunday Morning Between Family Members Who Want To Watch Jimmy Swaggart And Those Who Want To Watch WWF.
A Fancy Night Out For Your Family Is A Jaunt Through The Drive Thru Window At Hardee's.
A Man Asks You To Dance And You Take Off Your Clothes And Dance On The Table.
After Making Love, You Have To Ask Your Date To Roll Down The Window.
After The Prom You Drove The Truck While Your Date Hit Road Signs With Empty Beer Bottles.
All Of Your Four Letter Words Are Two Syllables.
Anyone In Your Family Wrestles Alligators For A Living.
Anything Outside The Lower 48 Is "Overseas."
Bikers Back Down From Your Momma.
Birds Are Attracted To Your Beard.
Chiggers Are Included On Your List Of Top 5 Hygiene Concerns.
Directions To Your House Include: "Turn Off The Paved Road".
Dressing Up Is Wearing The Flannel Shirt Without Any Rips In It.
During Your Wedding, When You Kissed The Bride, Your John Deere Hat Fell Off.
Every Socket In Your House Breaks A Fire Code.
Fifth Grade Was The Best Six Years Of Your Life.
Have Had Lovemaking Interrupted By A Cow Sticking It's Head In The Car Window.
Hitchhikers Won't Get In The Car With You.
If Your Idea Of Forplay Is: "Get In The Truck, Bitch!"
Jack Daniels Makes Your List Of Most Admired People.
Less Than Half The Cars That You Own Run.
Motel 6 Turns Off The Lights When They See You Coming.
People Hear Your Car A Long Time Before They See It.
People Hunt In Your Front Yard.
Rednecks Roamed The Earth.
Someone Asks To See Your I.D. And You Show Them Your Belt Buckle.
Someone Asks, "Where's Your Bowling Bag?" And You Answer, "She's At Home With The Kids."
Stealing Road Signs Is A Family Outing.
Taking Your Wife On A Cruise Means Circling The Dairy Queen.
Thanksgiving Dinner Was Ruined Because You Ran Out Of Ketchup.
The Cockroaches Left You A Note Saying, "Clean This Place Up!"
The Directions To Your House Say "Turn Off The Paved Road."
The Dog Can't Watch You Eat Without Gagging.
The Dog Catcher Calls For A Backup Unit When Visiting Your House.
The Gas Pedal On Your Car Is Shaped Like A Bare Foot.
The Highlight Of Your Family Reunion Was Your Sister's Nude Dancing Debut.
The Home Shopping Operator Recognizes Your Voice.
The Kids Are Going Hungry Tonight Because You Just Had To Have The Yosemite Sam Mud Flaps.
The Last Photos Of Your Mama Were Taken From The Front And The Side.
The Most Common Phrase You Hear At A Family Reunion Is: "What Are You Looking At Sh*Thead".
The Neighbors Started A Petition Over Your Christmas Lights.
The Number One Selling Album At The Local Record Store Is "Hooked On Phonics"
The Only Work Your Father Ever Did Was Supervised By A Man Holding A Shotgun.
The Original Color Of Your Carpet Is An Unsolved Mystery.
The Primary Color Of Your Car Is "Bondo".
The Rear Tires On Your Car Are Twice As Wide As The Front Ones.
The Red Man Chewing Tobacco Co. Sends You A Christmas Card.
The Reindeer On Your Lawn At Christmas Are Pulling A '57 Ford. And The '57 Ford Is On Cement Blocks Instead Of Wheels.
The Roto-Rooter Man Comes To Your House And Asks, "What's That Smell?"
The Salvation Army Declines Your Mattress.
The Taillight Covers Of Your Car Are Made Of Red Tape.
The Trunk Of Your Car Is Tied Down And You're Not Hauling Anything.
There Are Four Pair Of Pants And Three Squirrels Hanging From Your Clothesline.
There Are More Than Five Mcdonald's Bags Currently In The Floorboard Of Your Car.
There Has Ever Been Crime-Scene Tape On Your Bathroom Door.
There Is A Puddle In Your Driveway Year-Round.
There Is A Stuffed Possum Mounted Any Where In Your Home.
Today's Dinner Was Too Slow Crossing The Highway Yesterday.
When You Can't Afford To Pay Your House Bills, Your Insurance Bills, Your Automobile Loan Or Your Alimony But You Sure Can Afford Season Tickets To All The College Football Games And Nascar Events.
When You Think Being In Style Is Owning The Latest T.V. Slim Whitman Album Offer.
You Actually Know Which Kind Of Leaves Make The Best Substitute For Toilet Paper.
You Actually Know Who El Gigante Is And You're Proud To Admit It.
You Actually Thought Hogan's Heroes Was An Accurate Portrayal Of World War
You Are Dead Against Blind People Golfing But You Support Them In Their Efforts To Obtain Driver's Licences.
You Are Having Marital Problems Because Your Wife Never Lets You Win At Arm Wrestling.
You Are Still Upset About "Gunsmoke" Being Cancelled.
You Are The 437th Person To Request Moonme On Your Vanity Licence Plate.
You Bought A Vcr Because Wrestling Comes On While You're At Work.
You Burn Your Yard Rather Than Mow It.
You Call Your Boss "Dude".
You Can Eat A Mcdonald's Cheeseburger In One Bite.
You Can Spit Without Opening Your Mouth.
You Clean Your Fingernails With A Stick.
You Come Back From The Dump With More Than You Took.
You Consider "Outdoor Life" Deep Reading.
You Consider A Six Pack Of Beer And A Bug Zapper Quality Entertainment.
You Consider Dating Second Cousins As "Playing The Field."
You Consider Outdoor Life Deep Reading.
You Consider Your License Plate "Personalized" Because Your Father Made It.
You Converted Your Carport Into A Beauty Shop.
You Cut Your Toenails In Front Of Company.
You Don't Like Those 'new-Fangled' People.
You Drive Down The Highway With Dogs In The Back Of Your Pickup.
You Drove To Elementary School.
You Eat 'chitlins', 'grits', Or Frank-And-Beans Frequently.
You Ever Cut Your Grass And Found A Car.
You Forego A Haircut Because There's Not A Clean Bowl In The House.
You Get An Estimate From The Barber Before He Cuts Your Hair.
You Go To A Stock Car Race And Don't Need A Program.
You Had A Toothpick In Your Mouth When Your Wedding Pictures Were Taken.
You Hammer Bottle Caps Into The Frame Of Your Front Door To Make It Look Nice.
You Hang Pickled Eggs And Pop-Tops From Your Christmas Tree.
You Have A "Hefty Bag" For A Passenger Side Window On Your Car.
You Have A Picture Of Willie Nelson Or Johnnie Cash Over Your Fireplace.
You Have A Rag For A Gas Cap.
You Have A Velvet Painting Of Clint Black.
You Have Any Relatives Named "Elmer" Or "Jed."
You Have Been Knocked Out Twice By Your Own Electric Fence.
You Have Ever "Hit On" Somebody In A V.D. Clinic.
You Have Ever Bar-Be-Qued Hamburgers At The Driver-In Theater.
You Have Ever Bathed With Flea And Tick Soap.
You Have Ever Been Arrested For Relieving Yourself In An Ice Machine.
You Have Ever Been Arrested On An Obscene Mud-Flap Charge.
You Have Ever Been Fired From A Construction Job Because Of Your Appearance.
You Have Ever Been Getting Gas And Another Customer Asks You To Check His Oil.
You Have Ever Been Involved In A Custody Fight Over A Hunting Dog.
You Have Ever Been Kicked Out Of The Kkk For Being A Bigot.
You Have Ever Been Kicked Out Of The Zoo For Heckling The Monkeys.
You Have Ever Been Too Drunk To Fish.
You Have Ever Bought A Used Cap.
You Have Ever Cleaned Fish In Your Living Room.
You Have Ever Committed A Crime With A Lawn Mower.
You Have Ever Done Your Christmas Shopping At A Truck Stop.
You Have Ever Driven Down The Road With Your Seat Belt Hanging Out Of The Door Making Sparks.
You Have Ever Eaten Out Of A Minnow Bucket.
You Have Ever Filled Your Deer Tag On The Golf Course.
You Have Ever Financed A Tatoo.
You Have Ever Given Rat Traps As Gifts.
You Have Ever Had To Scratch Your Sister Or Girlfriend's Name Out Of The Message "For A Good Time, Call _______."
You Have Ever Had To Turn Your Pickup Truck Around Because Of Bridge Clearance Restrictions.
You Have Ever Heard A Sheep Bleat And Had Romantic Thoughts.
You Have Ever Heckled During A Eulogy.
You Have Ever Hit A Deer With Your Car...Deliberatley.
You Have Ever Hollered, "You Kids Quit Playing On That Sheet Metal!"
You Have Ever Lost A Loved One To Kudzu.
You Have Ever Lost A Tooth Opening A Beer Bottle.
You Have Ever Lost Your Wife In A Poker Game.
You Have Ever Named A Child After A Good Dog.
You Have Ever Raked Leaves In Your Kitchen.
You Have Ever Rolled Your Riding Lawn Mower.
You Have Ever Run Down A Bowling Lane And Slid Into The Pins.
You Have Ever Signed A Petition To Have The National Anthem Changed To "Free Bird."
You Have Ever Spray Painted Your Girlfriend's Name On An Overpass.
You Have Ever Stolen Toilet Paper.
You Have Ever Stood In Line To Have Your Picture Taken With A Freak Of Nature.
You Have Ever Worn A Tube Top To A Wedding.
You Have Every Episode Of Hee-Haw On Tape.
You Have Grease Under Your Toenails.
You Have More Than Two Brothers Named Bubba And Junior.
You Have Never Seen A Blinking Light On Top Of A Building.
You Have Refused To Watch The Academy Awards Since Smokey And The Bandit Was Snubbed For Best Picture.
You Have Sunglasses That Are Mirrored On The Inside.
You Have The Local Taxidermist's Number On Speed Dial.
You Have To Curl The Sides Of Your Cowboy Hat So Your Wife Can Fit In The Truck.
You Have To Take The Entire Day Off Work To Have Your Teeth Cleaned.
You Have Totaled Every Car You've Ever Owned.
You Hold A Frog, And It Worries About Getting Warts.
You Honestly Believe Women Are Turned On By Animal Noises And Seductive Tongue Gestures.
You Keep A Can Of Raid On The Kitchen Table.
You Know How Many Bales Of Hay Your Car Will Hold.
You Liked The Velvet Picture Of Elvis That Someone In A Van Sold You Beside The Highway Better Than Anything You Saw At An Art Show Or Museum.
You Look Like Willie Nelson After You Get Your Hair Cut.
You Look Up To The Mackenzie Brothers As Ideals Of International And Intercultural Sophistication.
You Mow Your Lawn With A Tractor.
You Need One More Hole Punched In Your Card Before You Get A Freebie At The "House Of Tattoos."
You Owe The Taxidermist More Than Your Annual Income.
You Own A Denim Leisure Suit.
You Own A Home That Is Mobile And 5 Cars That Aren't.
You Own A Homemade Fur Coat.
You Own More Cowboy Boots Than Sneakers.
You Own More Than Three Shirts With The Sleeves Cut Off.
You Own More Than Two Snowmobiles.
You Paint Your Car With House Paint.
You Pick Your Teeth From A Catalog.
You Prefer Car Keys To Q-Tips.
You Prominently Display A Gift In Your House That You Bought At Graceland.
You Read The Auto Trader With A Highlight Pen.
You Refer To The Time You Won A Free Case Of Motor Oil As "The Day My Ship Came In."
You Roll Your Own Cigarettes.
You Ruined All Your Son's Cds With The Needle Of Your Stereo Turntable.
You See No Need To Stop At Rest Stops Because You Have An Empty Milk Jug In The Car.
You See Nothing Wrong With Putting The Hooter's Bar Between The Library And The Church.
You Share Your Beer With The Dog.
You Shop For Groceries At A Gas Station.
You Show Your Boyfriend You Really Love Him By Carving His Name On Your Arm.
You Slam The Door On Your Truck And Your Shotgun Creates An Instant Sunroof.
You Still Have An 8-Track Tape Player In Your Car Or House.
You Still Think The Eagles Will Get Together For A Final Tour.
You Take A Fishing Pole Into Sea World.
You Take Your Friends Outside To Watch The Rabbits Breed.
You Taught Your Dog To Retrieve Beers From The Fridge
You Think "Recycling" Means Going Home From Work.
You Think "Taking Out The Trash" Means Taking Your In-Laws To A Movie.
You Think 4-H Stands For Horses, Hogs, Hoe-Downs And Harleys.
You Think A Chain Saw Is A Musical Instrument.
You Think A Hot Tub Is A Stolen Bathroom Fixture.
You Think A Subdivision Is Part Of A Math Problem.
You Think A Turtleneck Is Key Ingredient For Soup.
You Think A Volvo Is Part Of A Woman's Anatomy.
You Think Beef Jerky And Moon Pies Are Two Of The Major Food Groups.
You Think Bmw Are The Call Letters For A Radio Station.
You Think Campho-Phenique Is A Miracle Drug.
You Think Country And Western Are The Two Kinds Of Music.
You Think Cow Tipping Should Be An Olympic Sport.
You Think Dom Perignon Is A Mafia Leader.
You Think Paprika Is A Third-World Country.
You Think Potted Meat On A Saltine Is A Hors D'oeuvre.
You Think Private Schooling Is Where They Teach Sex Education.
You Think That In Order To Visit Niagara Falls, You Have To Be Recently Married.
You Think That The Styrofoam Cooler Is The Greatest Invention Of All Time.
You Think The All-Gay Picnic In The Park Has Something To Do With Happy Meals.
You Think The French Riviera Is Foreign Car.
You Think The Lion King Is A Story Based On The Lies Elvis Told His Women.
You Think The Phrase "Chicken Out" Means One Of Your Pets Has Escaped.
You Think The Remote Control Is Your Kid Brother.
You Think The Stock Market Has A Fence Around It.
You Think Toilet Water Is Exactly That.
You Think Virginia Slims Is A New Brand Of Condoms.
You Think Volvo Is A Part Of The Female Anatomy.
You Thinks Rabbits Are Food, Not Pets.
You View The Next Family Reunion As A Great Chance To Meet A Woman.
You View The Upcoming Family Reunion As A Chance To Meet Women.
You Wear A Belt Buckle That Weighs More Than Three Pounds.
You Weigh Four Pounds More After You Find Your Keys.
You Were Shooting Pool When Any Of Your Kids Were Born.
You Wet The Bed And Four Other People Immediately Know It.
You Wish Your House Looked Like The One On The Beginning Of "Beverly Hillbillies" Or "Green Acres."
You Wonder How Service Stations Keep Their Restrooms So Clean.
You Wore Curlers To Your Wedding So You Would Look Nice At The Reception.
You've Even Been Too Drunk To Fish.
You've Ever Barbecued Spam On The Grill.
You've Ever Been To A Funeral Or Wedding Where There Were More Pickup Trucks Than Cars.
You've Ever Hollered: "Rock The House Bubba" During A Piano Recital.
You've Ever Used Lard In Bed.
You've Ever Worn A Cowboy Hat To Church.
You've Ever Worn A Tube Top To A Wedding.
You've Forgiven Jane Fonda For Her Vietnam Era Sins 'cause She Married A Good 'ole Boy.
Your 'watch-Dogs' Are Geese.
Your All-Time Favorite Movie Is "Cannonball Run."
Your Boat Has Not Left The Drive-Way In 15 Years.
Your Boxer Shorts Bear The Slogan Of Any Fast Food Restaurant.
Your Brother-In-Law Is Also Your Uncle.
Your Car Stereo Costs More Than Your Car.
Your Cb Antenna Is A Danger To Low-Flying Planes.
Your Checks Feature Pictures Of Dogs Fighting.
Your Coffee Table Used To Be A Cable Spool.
Your Considered An Expert On Worm Beds.
Your Dad Walks To School With You Because You're Both In The Same Grade.
Your Daddy Is Also Your Favorite Uncle.
Your Dog And Your Wallet Are Both On A Chain.
Your Dog Can Smoke A Cigarette.
Your Dog Can't Watch You Eat Without Gagging.
Your Dog Doubles As Your Dishwasher.
Your Dog Has A Litter Of Puppies On The Living Room Floor And Nobody Notices.
Your Driveway Is Bordered By Half-Buried Tractor Tires.
Your Entire Family Has Ever Sat Around Waiting For A Call From The Governor To Spare A Loved One.
Your Family Business Requires A Lookout
Your Family Tree Does Not Fork.
Your Father Encourages You To Quit School When Larry Announces An Opening On The Lube Rack.
Your Father Executes The "Pull My Finger" Trick During Christmas Dinner.
Your Father Walks You To School Because You're Both In The Same Grade.
Your Favorite Actors Are Gomer Pile, Goober, And Barney Fife.
Your Favorite Hangout Is The Phillips 66 Near The Freeway.
Your Favorite Olympic Event Is American Gladiators.
Your Flashlight Holds More Than 4 Batteries.
Your Front Porch Collapses And Kills More Than Three Dogs.
Your Girlfriend Just Sold Off Her 'old' Saddle.
Your Girlfriend Thinks The Way You Pick Your Nose Is Cute.
Your Grandmother Has Ever Been Asked To Leave The Bingo Hall Because Of Her Language.
Your Great-Great-Great-Grandma Still Lives And Is 83 Years Old.
Your Honeymoon Was In Little Rock.
Your House Doesn't Have Curtains But Your Truck Does.
Your Household Owns Thirty Books--And Ten Of Them Haven't Been Colored In Yet.
Your Idea Of A Good Law-And-Order Man Is Barney Fife.
Your Idea Of Safe Sex Doesn't Include Anyone Else.
Your Junior-Senior Prom Had A Day-Care Center.
Your Kids Take A Siphon Hose To "Show And Tell."
Your Lifetime Goal Is To Own Your Own Fireworks Stand.
Your Mother Does Not Remove The Marlboro From Her Lips Before Telling The State Trooper To Kiss Her ***.
Your Mother Has "Ammo" On Her Christmas List.
Your Mother Has Ever Been Arrested For Poaching.
Your Mother Has Ever Been Involved In A Fistfight At A High School Sports Event.
Your Mother Keeps A Spit Cup On The Ironing Board.
Your Neighbors Have Ever Asked To Borrow The Light Bulb.
Your Pet Parrot Knows How To Whistle The Song To "The Andy Griffith Show."
Your Pocket Knife Often Doubles As A Toothpick.
Your Richest Relative Buys A New House And You Have To Help Take The Wheel Off Of It.
Your School Fight Song Was "Dueling Banjos".
Your Sister Subscribes To "Soldier Of Fortune" Magazine.
Your Stereo Speakers Used To Belong To The Moonlight Drive-In Theater.
Your Three Heroes Are Bear Bryant, George Wallace And Lynnrd Skynnrd.
Your Toilet Paper Has Page Numbers On It.
Your Town Protested Even More Violently When Battle Of The Network Stars Was Canceled.
Your Town Protested Violently When The Dukes Of Hazard Was Canceled.
Your Truck Can Pass Over A 55-Gallon Drum Without Touching It.
Your Truck Is Taller Than Your House.
Your Wading Boots Double As Dress Pants.
Your Watch Band Is Wider Than Any Book You've Read.
Your Welcome Mat Says, "You'd Better Have A Search Warrant."
Your Wife Can Climb A Tree Faster Than Your Cat.
Your Wife Has A Beer Belly And You Find It Attractive.
Your Wife Has Ever Said, "Come Move This Transmission So I Can Take A Bath."
Your Wife Has Four-Wheel Drive On Her Vacuum Cleaner.
Your Wife Has More Children Than Teeth.
Your Wife's Brass Knuckles Set Off The Airport Security Alarm.
Your Wife's Hairdo Has Ever Been Ruined By A Ceiling Fan.
Your Wife's Job Requires Her To Wear An Orange Vest.

The Layman's Guide to Rednecks

Many persons have heard the word "redneck" before. What exactly is a redneck? How can you tell if you know any? How can you tell if you are one?

The following tutorial will answer all these questions and more.

Origins: The term redneck is believed to have originated as a term of endearment for the "good old boy" countryfolk. Work out in the hot sun out on the farm would tend to burn ones exposed skin. Upon removal of the long shirt common to farmers, one's head and neck would appear red, while the rest of the farmer's body would be white.

Identifying the 1990's redneck:

Personal Appearance: A redneck will generally have some sort of facial hair. A mustache, goatee, or beard will be worn.

Hair will generally be below collar length.

Clothes: A redneck will wear a uniform of boots... cowboy, or biker (****kicker) boots. A pair of worn blue jeans follows, with a long-sleeved flannel shirt.

Hat: A redneck wears a greasy or dirty baseball hat, that says "Ford" on it, or has some sort of agricultural or automotive logo.

Personality: Rednecks generally only can exist with others of thier own. Rednecks have a hostile attitude towards anyone other than those of the redneck persuasion.. Generally, rednecks will harass others of the non-redneck cultures. The persons most openbn to attack are persons in higher social or econimic status, and all minorities.


The Redneck Fleet:

The redneck is a highly mobile individual. Therefore he requires a form of conveyance from place to place. The Redneck BattleCruiser(TM) therefore comes into play.

Redneck BattleCruiser(TM): The primary conveyance of the redneck fleet is the Ford Pickup Truck. Proper BattleCruisers are generally older fords with prominent rust patches. Current intelligence reports indicate at this point in time, no late model Fords or any other model of pickup, of a late date, have entered the Redneck Fleet.

Crew: The Redneck BattleCrew(TM) consists of the following: Driver: Same as for normal persons. Operates the Cruiser.
Beer Steward: Occupies center position. Is in charge of getting beer out of the cooler or bag for himself and other crew members.

Observer/gunner: Looks out for police. Scouts for targets and will utilize cruiser weapons system when needed.
Armaments: A CombatCruiser(TM) is eqiuipped with one or more of the following; weapons: Rifle or shotgun. Primary is stored in a rack on the rear window. Secondary weapons (also to include handguns and knives) are stored under or behind seats.
Beer: No redneck would be a redneck without massive quantities of beer. Genarally cheap brands such as Strohs, Pabst and Grain Belt are preferred brands. They will however drink whatever is available in great quantity.

RTinNYC(again)

Ummmm, uh-oh, do caviar and foie gras count as "potted meats" (#5)????

SecuriTT

No, you're safe. Spam.