smallTTs

Did you hear the one about the mushroom who couldn't get a date?
"I don't know why the girls don't like me. I'm such a fungi."

Ba-da-boom!

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know. But then we tried to get his tusks off, which was very
difficult.

Of course in Alabama, the Tuscaloosa... But that's entirely irrelephant to what I was talking about...

[Stop here if you are in a hurry...the next is loong!]
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The teacher left her aide in the classroom to distribute the examination materials to the graduating class of the all-male private school. Her final instructions were "Be sure to *hand* everything out very carefully and deliberately."

The aide puzzled over this for a moment but couldn't understand it. He began giving out the papers, but due to his inexperience found himself only a quarter done with just a few minutes left until the exam was due to start. Desperate, he gathered up the rest of the sheets and began to throw them across the room, yelling "Catch!" to each student as he did so. At first it was kind of a playful game, but soon he noticed that even the students not involved in the sport were beginning to breath heavier. As the panting turned into grunting, he began to be a little nervous and backed toward the door, staring from side to side as the behaviour became more and more -- the only word he could think of -
- primitive.

As he reached the bottom of the pile of papers and pitched it to the last student, the room erupted with howling and growling. He was
certain he could see the students phyically transforming before his eyes. With a shout of fright he turned and ran as quickly as he could
to the teachers' lounge.

The teacher took one look at him and leapt to her feet. Startled, he put a hand to his face and, with a shock, felt a heavy growth of beard that certainly hadn't been there that morning. Without a word, the teacher rushed from the room, grabbing her aide's wrist on the way by.
Frantically, they sprinted back to the classroom.

As they rounded the corner, they saw that they were too late. The door had been torn from its hinges and they glimpsed the hairy back of the
missing-link-like creature that, until mere minutes before, had been a student with at least a veneer of civilization. They entered the
classroom side by side and stopped dead, as though choreographed. The destruction was complete: desks smashed into fragments, blackboards cracked, shredded sheets of the exam everywhere.

She said nothing, but the teacher's eyes were full of reproach. "But why did it happen?" asked the bewildered assistant.

"You fool, Don't you know what happens to men when they get too much test tossed around?"

Sorry...I just HAD to do it.

sTTreb

That's a minute of my life I'll never get back. Very bad.

Bluto

????????? :-)

hoTTub

Read the first ones only, if you must

JustJeff

Sorry, bad -you could have at least gotten the Groucho quote correct.

smallTTs

There seem to be two published versions of Groucho's 'elephant' quote. One is 'last night' and one is 'one morning'. Which is correct?

tsltm

yikes

JustJeff

"My friends, I am here to tell you of the wonderous continent known as
Africa. Well we left New York drunk and early on the morning of February 31.
We were 15 days on the water, and 3 on the boat when we finally arrived in
Africa. Upon our arrival we immediately set up a rigorous schedule: Up at
6:00, breakfast, and back in bed by 7:00. Pretty soon we were back in bed by
6:30. Now Africa is full of big game. The first day I shot two bucks. That
was the biggest game we had. Africa is primerally inhabited by Elks, Moose
and Knights of Pithiests. The elks live up in the mountains and come down once a
year for their annual conventions. And you should see them gathered
around the water hole, which they leave immediately when they discover it's
full of water. They weren't looking for a water hole. They were looking
for an alck hole.
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas, how he got in my
pajamas, I don't know. Then we tried to remove the tusks. That's a tough
word to say, tusks. As I said we tried to remove the tusks, but they were
imbedded so firmly we couldn't get them out. But in
Alabama the Tuscaloosa, but that is totally irrelephant to what I was saying.
We took some pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed.
So we're going back in a few years..."

-- Julius H. Marx [Groucho]

smallTTs

Groucho has been quoted, misquoted, ripped off and plagiarized by so many. I didn't even realize it was his. Somehow I think he'd be happy knowing how much of his stuff is still used...and still funny. Well, to some of us, anyway.

Never a PITA when more good info is forthcoming.
I'm not saying I didn't bristle a tad at your first post. I find myself reacting to some posts in a similar manner.

Thanks for the Groucho input.